Whenever I see elderly couples, holding hands and being affectionate, I think to myself – How are they still so in love? Will I be able to have such a loving relationship with my husband as we grow old?
After speaking with Erin Morey, a great licensed marriage and family therapist in the DC area, I learned so much about how a couple can talk and learn about each other to achieve the goal of having a marriage that will last a lifetime. I think you might find, as I did, that putting in the pre-wedding effort to love, understand, and commit to a wonderful life with your spouse-to-be is nothing short of an overwhelmingly beautiful idea.
Why do you think it is important or valuable for a couple to go through premarital counseling before marriage?
I believe that it is important and valuable for any couple to go through some premarital education program or premarital counseling before marriage because today’s couples face more challenges, more demands than ever. Premarital sessions, either in an education/teaching format or in a counseling format can provide couples with a strong foundation through skill building, fostering necessary discussions, and exploring expectations.
In an age where 40% or more of all first marriages end in divorce, I believe that couples can benefit from slowing down the planning process and plan more for the rest of their lives. I hope, as a counselor and as a bride to be, that I can help couples to view premarital preparation as enjoyable, and as something they look forward to attending because this time is and should be fun. Taking some time off from the planning of the details of the wedding day, to spend some quality time learning about each other, your skills, and your future, can be a great way to connect and have fun.
We see that you offer premarital couples a program called PREPARE/ENRICH – can you tell us more about this?
Sure. PREPARE/ENRICH was developed by Dr. David Olsen and Dr. Peter Larson and is a customized couple assessment completed online or in my office that identifies a couple’s strength and growth areas. PREPARE is the name of the program used with premarital or non-married couples to provide marital preparation, and ENRICH is the name of the program used with married or committed couples to assist in marital enrichment.
Following the completion of the assessment, I receive a 16-page result packet on the couple’s various relationship scales such as communication, conflict resolution, finances, intimacy, roles, and more. All of these scales are assessed to determine the couple’s strength areas and growth areas. I will then provide 4-8 feedback sessions in which I will help the couple discuss and understand their results as they are taught proven relationship skills.
More specifically, the program helps couples:
- Explore strength and growth areas
- Strengthen communication skills
- Identify and manage major stressors
- Resolve conflict using the Ten Step Model
- Develop a more balanced relationship
- Explore family of origin issues
- Discuss financial planning and budgeting
- Establish personal, couple and family goals
- Understand and appreciate personality differences
What do think are the three most important traits that should exist in a relationship and why?
This is a tough question because there can be many important traits that should exist in a relationship. However, my perspective of the three most important would include friendship, repair attempts, and time to laugh and play.
I believe that having a friendship, a strong, deep friendship is crucial to a relationship because this is why we often choose to marry each other in the first place, yet often one of the first traits to go by the wayside. There may be problems that arise that are unsolvable and through realizing the deep friendship, couples can refrain from quarrelling about the pointless arguments and focus more on their sense of a shared life together.
The trait of repair attempts comes from a well-known researcher and marital expert, Dr. John Gottman. I often work with couples to implement and pay attention to each other’s small ways of preventing arguments from escalating during the fight or conflict. Healthy couples do have arguments and fights, but what really matters is how they repair and whether the repairs are successful.
Lastly, making time to laugh and play is significant. Research has shown that couples should have at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction for a successful relationship. Here too, I work with couples in my office in McLean Virginia to laugh, to play, and to have fun during sessions so that they can go home and do the same.
What should couples look for when seeking to hire a premarital therapist?
I think it is helpful to consider looking for a therapist that offers premarital education as well as premarital counseling. I believe that these can be two separate programs and some couples may not require counseling as much as they could benefit from education and learning.
Couples should ask potential therapists/professionals if the premarital programs offer an assessment inventory such as PREPARE. Other inventories offered are RELATE and FOCCUS. Couples also want to look for a therapist or professional that is trained and qualified to offer such programs.
Finally, it is important to look for a program, class, or approach that is flexible to allow for each relationship and each learning style, rather than a one-size-fits-all type of program.
Thank you SO much Erin!
